Unparadoxical
by IV Red
Summary: The first time, he'd wanted, and it didn't worry him too much. Wanting came from thought, and instinct, and he had a lot of that. But it's not easy to stop getting a bit too close to the funny kid you took under your wing when he's so responsive.XigDem
1. Pulling Out The Best Of Me

**Hello, first time posting in this section. Know what that means? Be brutal in your reviews. Really not accustomed to this fandom, so gimme a hand if you think I'm getting anything wrong and stuff.**

**Now, this here is a XigDem fic, kids. The first of many from me. This first chapter may make you go 'wtf', but backstories and the such will follow in later chaps.**

**Without further adieu, let's get to the story.**

* * *

**Unparadoxical.**

Chapter 1: Pulling Out The Best of Me (It Never Comes).

* * *

"_Come on!"_

_Almost all of the Nobodies rolled their eyes at their newest member, some already beginning to stand up and walk out of the room via darkness corridors as he continued to speak, pointing and moving his arms about angrily for emphasis._

_His frustration was already obvious in his tone as he continued. "You wouldn't want your hearts back if you didn't have the emotion it takes to want anything!"_

"_We don't _feel _the loss of our hearts, Nine," Zexion retorted irritably. "We only remember how it is. That's why we're looking for a way."_

_With that, they all exited the area, leaving Demyx alone in the resonating whiteness of his surroundings._

"_We haven't lost our hearts…"_

* * *

Demyx frowned at the floor outside of the meeting room; once again Xemnas had ordered him to stay after his usual speech for yet another threat because of his "stubborn attitude".

"_This is so stupid_," he thought, glaring as he took a few aimless steps, just for the sake of moving.

He summoned a dark portal to take him half the way to his sleeping quarters (another dumb quirk of Xemnas', that he had been sure to mention a couple of times specifically to Demyx in an attempt to correct his behaviour: they weren't "rooms", but quarters, as they were an organization, not a group of friends or anything of the sort). The rest of the way, he walked. Although the pristine white sometimes seemed so dull to him that it was annoying, he enjoyed all the little calm and routinary activities he had time for; the life of a Nobody, retired to their own quarters until called on a mission for the hearts they "didn't really want, just remembered" was not suited for him.

He heaved a sigh as his door came into view. _"So stupid…"_

But the world around him had spun so fast, and before he could decide for himself what to believe, he was pulled into the mess of an organization and their desperate crusade. And maybe if he wasn't afraid of what could happen, he would leave and live normally, even with his new identity.

He gripped the doorknob for a second, feeling something oddly out of place, before turning it and stepping into his room.

"We do have hearts," he spat quietly as he lay own on his bed, thoroughly annoyed by the Superior.

"How're you so sure, kid?"

Demyx looked around instinctively, already recognizing the voice. He spotted the end of a black and gray ponytail and followed it up with his eyes, raising an eyebrow at the Freeshooter sitting casually on his ceiling, reading a book.

"There you are," he said, not quite feeling up to talking to anyone. And yet…

He cracked a small smile. "Hey, Xig."

* * *

"_You sure we haven't lost 'em? I remember a lil' of that."_

"_W-Wha?"_

_Demyx gazed around quickly, unable to spot the source of the voice. Something appeared before his eyes, tickling his nose and making him stumble back in surprise before he could see what it was._

_He regained his balance and grabbed the strands of… hair? With a curious expression, he pulled lightly, while gazing up along it. _

"_Ow, here!" Spoke the voice again._

_Demyx blinked, looking at the man who crouched upside down, his feet firmly on the ceiling and his long low-hung ponytail in Number Nine's hand. _

_He muttered a breathless "Sorry…" as he let go, baffled._

"_No problem, kid," the man answered, standing oh-so-naturally from his position and still not falling off the ceiling. "Demyx, was it?"_

"_Yeah. And you were, um... Xiggy?"_

_Demyx hadn't had the time to have a good look at all the members of the organization, but Xigbar definitely didn't go unnoticed. Now that they were this close and at eye level, the scar on his cheek seemed bigger, his greying hair and features not making him look as old as from far away, his eyepatch standing out far more and his one golden eye giving off a far more dangerous glint. His tone, however, betrayed no bad intention. _

_He laughed__; Demyx thought it sounded almost like a bark. "Xigbar."_

"_Got it," Demyx smiled._

"_Lemme tell ya something, squirt," Xigbar said, apparently not about to use Demyx's name even if he knew it. "Not everyone here's all that friendly, but we all wanna get back what we lost, so…just take it easy, don't stir anything an' you'll do fine."_

_The newly-entitled Nocturne frowned. "It's not so easy if they don't like me."_

"_Nah, it's not that they don't like you. Xemnas has bugged 'em enough about not having the emotions to like or dislike anythin' anyway. They live by the stuff he says these days, y'know."_

_Eyes downcast, Demyx briefly thanked the heavens for Xigbar's amiable demeanour before muttering "But we do feel…"_

_The older male said nothing; he simply looked at Demyx for a while, studying, perhaps judging. Either way, some seconds later he smiled widely and grabbed his wrist, walking on the ceiling before the blonde's amazed gaze, leading him down the long hallways._

"_C'mon, I'll show you around."_

"_Alright, Xiggy!"_

"_Don't call me that."_

* * *

"Hey," Xigbar greeted back, throwing the Quantum Physics book over his shoulder and making it land on the ceiling, behind him. Physics, as complex as they got, were always the field he specialized in, but in his current state they were sometimes just very amusing, even laughable.

He glanced at the youth on the bed. "What's the matter, Dem?"

The Nocturne put his hands behind his head and closed his eyes, shrugging off the matter.

"Nothing."

"Got in trouble with Xemnas again, eh?"

Demyx didn't answer, but he definitely hadn't fallen asleep. Nine felt his bed shift slightly under him and opened his eyes to find Number Two sitting at the opposite end, his legs crossed and brow slightly furrowed.

"You've gotta watch your mouth a little, squirt. You don't wanna get turned into a dusk, do ya?"

Demyx sat up, making distracted motions with his hands and he spoke. "Of course not, but this doesn't make any sense. We want our hearts back, we _want_! That's feeling to start with!"

"We want things; that doesn't really prove we feel. We want back a lot of things because we remember 'em," Xigbar explained, "But most of all, we want 'em because of our ability to think, to choose what to get. Feeling doesn't necessarily have anythin' to do with it."

"We have _heartbeat, _Xig."

"'Course, otherwise we'd be dead in every sense. What we lost is not the heart itself, but the ability to feel."

Demyx's shoulders slumped. Two had never particularly been in his favour or against him in the matter, but…

"But," Xigbar added before Demyx could think any further. "It's not even the heart that feels, it's the brain… Xemnas knows that."

The Nocturne raised his head instantly, a hopeful look on his face. "What's it all about then? Why does he insist on it?"

"Iunno. The heartless did take something from us though, and this might be the only way to be complete again… we've gotta go through with it."

The blonde seemed to consider this for a moment, before giving a hopeless "Okay". The matter, in all its depth, tended to make him go in complicated circles that made his head spin. He'd come to a conclusion already, though: he knew he felt and Xemnas was not going to change his mind.

"Just don't get in trouble again. If you're going through with this, it's best to take it easy and see how everything turns out. Maybe find out what we've really lost. Don'tcha think?"

"So you think we have hearts too?"

Demyx was hopeful once again, and Xigbar honestly didn't know what to tell him.

"Sure."

Nine smiled widely, and Two couldn't help but do the same. The boy hadn't lost the naïve expression he had when he was a damn _merman._

"Thanks, Xiggy."

The older man waved off the matter with a hand motion, before leaning forward, his gaze insistently locked into Demyx's eyes.

"So you'll be more careful, right?" He asked with a firm tone.

"I'll watch out," he said, chucking lightly. "I don't think I'd like being a dusk."

After a curt nod, the mostly-black-haired Nobody crawled forward and grinned, displaying his sharp canine teeth, almost rough in his ways as he grabbed the musician's chin with one gloved hand. "There's a good boy," he whispered before testing the taste of the other's lips with a light lick.

"Xig…?" Demyx called, his eyes wide and his body shivering as the single syllable made his lips brush slightly with the other male's.

He blinked.

Xigbar was gone.

* * *


	2. Drilled A Wire Trough My Cheek

**Okay, Doc manager got a few changes eh... line breaks from now on, I guess. Let's see now.**

**A big THANK YOU!, for those who reviewed/fav'd/alert'd the last chap. Hm, Convoy-of-Wind, smileintears, gothboymylove and MyDaroga, if I remember right. It was tons of encouragement to write this.**

**Readers, readers, do consider dropping me a line, hm? I'd love to hear yer opinions. Not only on the story thus far, but also on whether you agree with Demyx or not in the matter of emotions.  
**

**Notes: As you can tell by now, the italics correspond to the narration of past events. As for the chapter titles, they'll all be from a certain song some of you might recognize.**

**Extra note: Today I have also published an AkuRoku one-shot. AkuRoku while Roxas is once again a part of Sora, that is. It could barely keep its T rating (non-graphic sex). Mind checking it out?**

* * *

**Unparadoxical.**

Chapter 2: Drilled a Wire Through My Cheek (Rust).

* * *

The awkward and fleeting feeling of Xigbar's tongue over his lips lingered overnight.

He wasn't sure whether that was a good or bad thing.

But he couldn't remember a thing afterwards, and it felt like a dream now. But if it were… just where the heck did _that _come from? And why'd he still have an aftertaste? Then again, if it wasn't – no, no, why _would _it not be?

Call it the weirdest dream ever. Call it the best dream ever. Demyx did not have a name for it yet, and that was fine as long as he forgot it soon.

Deciding eating would do fine about now, he quickly got dressed and headed to the kitchen, distracted by his own wondering about whether to have cereal or try to make some pancakes.

The Nobodies were constantly going in and out, and every one of them had different eating patterns that followed no rule. However, most shared breakfast and lunch, as such times were not usually their hours to act, unless Xemnas needed a daybreak mission done. A member of the Organization would usually be assigned to preparing lunch for everyone, but other than that, meals were whatever anyone wanted it to be.

_"Wonder who's on cooking duty today…I hope it's not me."_

"Boo."

"Ah!" Demyx yelped and instantly fell on his rear, arms flailing uselessly. "Xigbar!"

The sniper chucked in response, hanging upside-down in mid-air.

"Stop doing that…!" Demyx muttered, slowly getting up, as Xigbar disappeared and reappeared in a normal position in front of him.

"Sorry squirt, s'too much fun."

"Yeah, yeah," replied the younger Nobody, brushing himself off some nonexistent dirt and glancing at his companion's comfortable demeanour.

_"Guess it was a dream."_

"So, where are ya headed this dull, insipid mornin'?"

"_But…"_

"Kitchen. Coming with me, Xiggy?"

Xigbar shrugged in response, smiling slightly. "Sure, got nothing better to do."

Demyx beamed and led the way in long strides, contrasted against Xigbar's somehow graceful, a little hunched over walking. The way he didn't seem to know his way as much as Demyx did betrayed the fact he was a lot more used to having the floor above and the ceiling below.

"Not so used to walking on the floor, huh?"

"Yeah", the gunman admitted, looking around from the unfamiliar angle. "How all of you get around like this escapes me. It's so boring down here."

Demyx turned his head in time to see Xigbar walking up some sort of invisible, intangible stairs that turned upside down at the end, leading him so that he was right above Demyx and his ponytail brushed the boy's shoulder lightly. He ignored the tickling feeling and went on.

Eventually, Xigbar gained on and walked a little ahead of him, as the annoying strands of hair tickled Demyx's nose and lips and –

He recoiled instantly, stumbling back, eyes wide as the stunning feeling of a memory pulled back to surface washed over him, severe.

"_It wasn't, it wasn't a-"_

At the contact, the motion, the memory and the exact feeling came back to him.

Stumbling over his feet at the realization, he outstretched his hand and grabbed at the first thing he could grasp, barely hearing an "Ow!" that was not his own before he fell back on the floor.

He groaned and blinked, blushing furious red as the face above his own came to view.

Weight on him, pressure on his waist, hands on the ground on both sides of his head, _familiarity._

Xigbar's good eye searched his own two for a while.

"Itwasn'tadream," Demyx muttered hurriedly, barely aware of his own words.

And then Xigbar recoiled just like Demyx did a few seconds ago, stood and stumbled in the same way before catching himself and standing straight, gaze unfocused but in the blonde's general direction.

He outstretched his hand stiffly. "Here."

Demyx blinked and took it, pulled quickly to his feet and giving an awkward, dry "Thanks."

_"It wasn't a dream."_

Silence.

Xigbar shook his head dismissively, usual fang-showing grin on its rightful place, laugh dry and rich. He resumed walking, hands in his coat's pockets.

"Clumsy today, eh kid?"

He was kind of comforted when that grin was directed at him, ignoring how he could describe that expression as sly while the sharpshooter leans close and flicks his forehead, and followed Xigbar down the white, white hallway.

A little, extremely loud portion of the back of his mind thought it all was too familiar.

* * *

_"Hey squirt, how ya doing? What did Xemnas call you for?"_

_ "He was briefing me on the specifics of being a nobody," Demyx answered bitterly, a light pout upon his lip._

_ Xigbar gave a short laugh. "Again? Didn't he do that when you passed the test, yesterday?"_

_ "Yeah, he thinks I'm stupid or something."_

_ Xigbar put a hand atop Demyx's head, ruffling his hair and making the youth quickly bring his hands up to fix it, protesting._

_ "Take it easy, you'll adjust to everything soon enough."_

_ "Yeah, yeah…say, Xig, can you show me how you do that now?" The Nocturne asked quickly, his excitement concealed by a simple smile._

_ Xigbar raised and eyebrow, the words "Cute kid" flashing across his mind off-handedly. "Do what?"_

_ "You know, the walking on the ceiling thing!" _

_ "Oh, this?"_

_ As soon as the Demyx blinked, the older man was already back on the ceiling, leaving behind only small puffs of dark purple smoke._

_ "Yeah, that! How do you do it? Can you teach me?"_

_ "Sorry squirt, no can do. It's my ability," Xigbar replied, glancing at Number Nine's disappointed expression and feeling a small tinge of guilt. "But…"_

_ Before IX could say anything, the Freeshooter tweaked gravity on him in the same ways he did with himself, making him come to stand – no, _fall _– onto the ceiling. He caught the shocked Nobody, putting him back on his feet._

_ Demyx marvelled at his position, wide-eyed and silent for a while, before exclaiming happily "This is awesome!"_

_ II grinned, content, as Demyx walked around a little, looking up at the floor from time to time, as if he expected to fall back. "So what's your ability then?" The blonde asked._

_ "Power over space," Xigbar said cockily, his grin growing wider as he let the Nocturne fall for half a second before pulling him back on the ceiling again, demostrating._

_ He stumbled, taking a few seconds to regain his balance as Xigbar teleported in front of him, upside-down, in midair. "Fun, huh?"_

_ "Yeah," Demyx replied with a nervous smile, watching his footing._

_ "Don't worry, I won't let ya fall," Xigbar reassured._

_ Demyx nodded, thinking for a second before jumping a few times, still not falling back to the floor. He chuckled, amused, and continued walking around, Number Two following close behind, seeming to walk on air._

_ "Alright, enough ceiling," Demyx declared. "Can I try the walls?"_

_ "Sure, but no leaving footprints anywhere, got it? And try not to fall in your closet."_

_ The blonde smiled and nodded, as Xigbar made a few tweaks again. IX yelped and begun falling to the side, towards the wall-_

_ -crashing on Xigbar on the way and making them both fall, the Nocturne on top of the Freeshooter. _

_ For a while, Demyx kept his eyes closed tightly, disoriented by the change, until he noticed the warmth underneath him. He opened his eyes slowly, blinking and glancing around to confirm that, indeed, they were on the left wall of his room. Soon enough the realization on their uncomfortable position dawned on him. Embarrassed, he quickly turned his gaze to look at Xigbar, who was rubbing the back of his head; eventually his one good eye locked on Demyx's, and the scarce inch that separated their faces became obvious._

_ "S-Sorry, I-"_

_ The older Nobody cut the younger one off as he was trying to get up by bringing a hand to the back of his head and gripping a handful of his hair, keeping him in place. Xigbar tilted his head slightly, his lips hovering over Demyx's and breathing softly upon them. Disoriented, confused, shocked, nervous and slightly scared, Demyx still closed his eyes and waited._

_ Next thing he knew, he was landing softly on the floor, and dark purple smoke occupied the spot where Xigbar had been._

_ The incident was never discussed, and the friendship between II and IX grew with time, never hindered by the events of that day._

_ Xigbar didn't make space tricks on Demyx again._

* * *

**Next chapter (next week): More on Xigbar's side of things. **


	3. Where You Hid Your Heart From Me

**I'm considering trying to do a little fanart, but I'd like to know what you guys would say. Here's the only recent thing in my DevArt, coincidentally a little Demyx sketch thing: matamunemero dot deviantart dot com/art/Kingdom-Hearts-2-Demyx-81286920**

**I guess I need a lot more improvement before starting on fanart, but what do ya think?  
**

**No worries though, fic comes first. I've got three or so XigDem one-shots on their way, maybe another AkuRoku (my first one still could use a few critics). But as you might've noticed, I've already recently published a XigDem one-shot, titled One Upon An Artist's View.  
**

**Okay, that'd be all. Thanks a lot for everyone's support on this story! Though, all favs/alerts and no reviews makes BLP a dull writer.  
**

**My comment on this chapter? Sheesh Dem, stop giving yourself headaches.  
**

* * *

**Unparadoxical.**

Chapter 3: Where You Hid Your Heart From Me.

* * *

Demyx's thoughts were uneasy, concerned; so it was the second time something like this had happened, a few more if the counted the briefer situations, and he wasn't very sure whether he wanted to accept and face the situation, or let it go and take a decision when – or if – it happened again. At least he'd managed to avoid things getting any worse when Xigbar stopped in the kitchen to chat with Xaldin and bug Zexion a little as the Schemer attempted to concentrate both on the eggs he was frying and the book he was reading, each hand on each task; Demyx had slipped out quietly without grabbing anything to eat, already hating using this sort of strategy on the Freeshooter.

When he sat down for breakfast surprisingly early, surrounded by a few of the other members of Organization XIII, he decided not to think anything of their little incidents. Accidents happen, impulses are quite funny things.

That was until II walked in the room.

Only then did it occur to him that at the odd feeling on his lips, his heart picked up pace slightly. He smiled a little, almost wondering what Xemnas could say to disprove the link between heart rate and mood, or emotions. Briefly, he had to wonder if Xigbar had felt anything. If he'd initiated those short deliberate moments, didn't it mean he wanted? Liked, desired, wanted, felt? Didn't instinct work on basic wants and raw feeling, anyway?

What if he wanted?

What would IX do?

He admired the older Nobody, and was also thankful to him for a lot of things. He had no memories of his previous life, and Xigbar had given him most of the memories he had now. Xigbar always watched out for him, sticking by his side constantly; had it been for that purpose? For doing that kind of things with him?

Demyx was _not _one to toy with. If there was one thing his Nobody un-self could dislike, it was traitors and double reasons. And still, he didn't mind as much as he just wanted to _know_.

And although he couldn't quite believe that was the reason, he wasn't about to ask.

A soft clinking sound took him out of the circuits of his thoughts, as his plate was set down on the table by none other than the Freeshooter.

"What's wrong with ya?"

"Nothing," he lied, his head hung low and some stray strands of dirty blonde hair falling before his eyes as he simply stared at his food, not bothering to pick up a fork.

Xigbar sat in the chair next to Demyx's, setting down his own plate. "Sure, sure," he said with a roll of his single eye, the same motion that always, always got Demyx speaking up.

"I'm fiiiine," he argued, taking a fork and poking Xigbar's shoulder with it.

"Of course," the other male was already smiling smugly, "You act like someone's huntin' you down."

He turned so fast in Xigbar's direction, he ended up dropping his fork and having to bend clumsily to retrieve it from under the table.

"I'm not avoiding anyone," he declared once he was back to sitting normally. "I'm-"

Tick, tock, tick, tock, "-uh, not hungry."

He pushed his plate away slightly, standing up and savouring the relief as he turned his back to Xigbar and felt some nervousness give away, ready to summon a darkness corridor-

-until the air shifted ever so slightly behind him, and a hand grabbed his arm.

"You have a recon mission today."

"I know."

"I'll meet you in your room later," Xigbar gripped the blonde's arm slightly tighter. "There's something I need to talk to you 'bout." His breath barely reached Demyx's neck, nevertheless giving him goosebumps. Demyx had to wonder if anyone was looking, but the sounds of morning routine had not been disrupted in the least.

Unnaturally stiff, Nine nodded and finally summoned a darkness corridor to take him to his room.

Xigbar returned casually to his spot at the table,-

"You're scaring the new guy."

-ignoring Axel's comment.

* * *

_"Okay, here's another one," Demyx began. "If we can't remember anything about our previous life, and if we don't feel anything about this life, we should be completely blank, right?"_

_ "Right," Xigbar echoed._

_ Demyx nodded. "Weeell…" He said, giving a long pause while he picked his words._

_ Xigbar shook his head with the same content exasperation one would feel towards a silly puppy's antics, unseen from their position; both sat on the older male's messy bed, back to back. Xigbar himself sat with his legs crossed, cleaning his precious rifle while Demyx faced the opposite direction, leaning back against him comfortably._

_ "Okay, so how would you explain someone's personality?" Demyx finally spoke, with a little self-satisfied smile as he thought ahead on his explanation._

_ Xigbar looked up in thought, "Anything they've been through makes 'em think different about some things, and that's how everyone ends up with different opinion, different ways of looking at everything. A thing of everyone's past," he said slowly._

_ "Memories."_

_ "I see where you're going," the sniper nodded. "We can think, so we can have a view of things. We've had different roles as Nobodies, so we all turned out different. Probably not a lot like our Somebodies."_

_ Demyx shifted slightly and turned his head towards Xigbar. "But if it's that way, our hearts-"_

_ He turned as well and interrupted the musician by lightly flicking his forehead, smirking as he said, "Takes more than that to make a heart, squirt."_

_ Said musician rubbed his forehead, looking mildly offended, mildly humoured._

_ "Well, I think a heart is made of memories."_

_ At this, the golden-eyed Nobody became slightly interested, causing him to put down his weapon. "Hm?"_

_ Demyx nodded energetically at the other's interested demeanour, noticing it quite made sense if he elaborated; he hadn't thought that far yet. "No memories to feel anything about, no heart. I think that's why we forgot it all when we lost our hearts."_

_ Xigbar smiled, and Demyx thought he looked slightly proud. Then again, maybe he couldn't see him so well from his position._

_ "And now?" He questioned._

_ "Living twice. It's like growing a new one," the sitarist smiled back, content of his conclusion as he relaxed against his friend, considering dozing off like that for a while; perhaps a nap after convincing him would sum up to a nice day._

* * *

The first time, he'd wanted.

It wasn't such a big breakthrough for him, after all it was more of an instinct than anything else, and he had a lot of those. He simply related it to his memories of the things he'd used to like and his mind choosing a bit later than instinct did.

Demyx seemed willing to forget it, perhaps passing it off as a weird dream. No footprints on the ceiling to prove anything. Either way, Xigbar wasn't about to scare the poor kid by bringing it up.

And even though he could admit he'd wanted it, he had no intention to do anything like that ever again. Demyx would be frightened, and that wouldn't help their friendship at all. Xigbar did want to stick around the funny, interesting and slightly odd new member of the Organization (even if he couldn't help sometimes adding "cute" to that list of adjectives; he'd just have to work on that). That sorta thing could wait; he'd keep the new guy under his wing and that'd be it.

The second time, he'd honestly worried.

It had been quite some time since the first, and entering Demyx's room without permission to chat for a while had become a habit, as did sitting on Demyx's ceiling while the young male played his sitar; Xigbar wasn't one to enjoy music very much, but it was nice enough from time to time, and it worked wonders on Demyx's mood and disposition.

But somewhere among his usual gestures, the hand that was intended to ruffle Demyx's hair came to grab his chin, leaving an opening for instinct to push him forward and let him have one little taste before he got a kick from something like a prototype conscience he sometimes pretended to have made up for himself.

He promptly left, guessing Demyx could forget it again.

He'd wanted. He'd wanted so much, and it was so clear now it made him worry.

The first time he hadn't blamed anything; the situation was enough of a trigger to excuse his instinct. Their bodies pressed together, IX's lithe figure shuddering slightly, his voice, his eyes, his breath; it seemed to have been so long since Xigbar had felt such needs to act, to take over and give himself something to feel impulses about.

The second time, when he could say he knew the kid somewhat well, and he wouldn't be capable of forgetting who he was touching if instinct made him do anything, he decided it wasn't just that.

He'd wanted. His eye had locked onto Demyx's thin lips as the Nocturne smiled, and he'd wanted. But it wasn't just that.

He also liked the blonde, and that was the biggest problem.

Not because he was, after all, a mere child. Not because he was a male child, or probably inexperienced, or lacking preparation for the sickness of the world or the sickness of people. No – because _liking _was a huge damn problem all in itself, and not because of Xemnas' reprehensive speeches. He was a _Nobody, _for hearts' sakes. He was there to come to the damn conclusion that all feeling had been lost, and one kid wasn't gonna prove anyone wrong.

The second biggest was that Demyx surely hadn't wanted, and Xigbar couldn't bring himself to cause him any harm like that. He was, from what he'd seen, the only one who'd hang around IX without his patience wasting away in the lapse of ten minutes, and he was not about to scare him away; Demyx didn't like being alone, and Xigbar had to sympathize. Act or not, it was convincing enough.

Perhaps he shouldn't mind so much.

_"Shit happens," _Xigbar concluded. Wouldn't happen again. Messing around with him 'till the want was spent, at worst.

(And still, he grinned at the memory of Demyx's initial readiness, and at the thought of how good it all could be.)

Maybe liking - if he let everything just go and happen - wasn't such a huge freaking problem after all, he pondered as he reminisced, noticing the amount of things there was to reminisce about concerning the Organization's IX to start with. Memories, all new memories.

_"Like growing a new heart. Isn't that it, Dem?"_

* * *

**Next chapter: "A Dream To Count On".**

**Still up to reading XigDem? Look for "Once Upon An Artist's View", by yours truly.**

**As for the remembrance scene in this chapter, that's the theory I believe about everyone's hearts. I'd elaborate more, but the explanation had to be kept Demyx-style. What do you guys think on the subject?**


	4. A Dream To Count On

**Fast update this time, yeah. I wasn't on much the past few days, and it was immensely pleasing to see the quick and positive responses in my inbox, so I went ahead and finished this chap. By the way, this story's nearing its end (written mainly to get a hang on stuff; the others will be better), but I do have more with this pairing coming.**

**I'd like to add a bit, fat, bold, capitalized THANK YOU!!** **to those who have reviewed this story: MyDaroga, smileintears, gothboymylove, Vaishin, WayToDawn and Bob Da Peach. (Especially Vaishin, for the additional author alert; I'm flattered.) Much love to y'all! Have in mind that I'm open for requests, if that's enough of a way to thank you!**

**Took a look at Once Upon An Artist's View? No? You should.**

**So you also like AkuRoku? Got two fics for ya, step right up to my profile and check 'em out.**

* * *

**Unparadoxical.**

Chapter 4: A Dream To Count On

* * *

_"What happens to Nobodies when they die?"_

_ Demyx had died, once, though he couldn't remember any of it. And so had Xigbar and everyone else in the Organization. The question was still unexpected; he'd figured just wouldn't want to think about dying again, or he'd assume it to be just like the last time._

_ "We don't die," Xigbar stated._

_ "Don't we die if we're wounded?" Demyx questioned._

_ The sniper couldn't quite believe the sitarist was already scared of dying. Then again, maybe he was just interested. Then again, boredom brought along a lot of things in the many times they hung out together, like now, in Demyx's room, sitting back-to-back on the blonde's bed while he played random tunes in his beloved sitar and occasionally wrote a couple of notes in the blank spaces of a music sheet._

_ "Only by the keyblade."_

_ He guessed someone had to break it to him sometime, briefly wondering whether Demyx would speak against this as well._

_ "Oh. So, what happens then?"_

_ "We don't die," Xigbar repeated. "We already did. We just disappear."_

* * *

It was getting late, he could tell, and he'd have to return soon. Suggestions of avoidance had come to his mind a few times during the day, but he'd discarded them immediately.

Perhaps this was it. Perhaps he'd get the answers he'd certainly been wondering about. But just how much could there be to it?

Maybe Xigbar would do it again, this time without stopping, without saying anything at all. Maybe Xigbar would just apologize, say he didn't know what the hell came over him, and never do it again.

Somehow, both ideas bothered him.

Maybe he'd do it and leave before they touch, again, and that one bothered Demyx more than any of the others. Uncertainty got him nervous, and nervousness made him think too much, and then he'd go in loops and give himself a headache, and-

"Woah," he breathed, rubbing his temple to inhibit the oncoming headache.

And only upon reaching the door to his room did he remember the nervousness he'd felt at first as it returned, more insistent now. He stood there for a while, before deciding it was useless not to go into his own room; the outcome couldn't be so bad anyway, and he did want to get some sleep soon.

"Hey, kid."

Xigbar's voice greeted him before he could even begin to look around. He sounded natural enough, and for a moment Demyx had to wonder if this was even about the 'incidents' between them.

"Heya," he responded, some cheerfulness back on his voice as he saw Xigbar stretching, his eye half-lidded, as if he'd just woken up.

As naturally as every other time, Demyx kicked off his boots. "So, Xig, what did you want to talk about?" He stopped with a little frown as one didn't come off, leaning over to yank it off, his frown deepening; to Xigbar, it looked like a small pout.

As soon as he was done with that, he stood up straight-

-and felt the floor leave his feet, perhaps the other way around, the world spinning with every blink until the floor was above him and he was falling – into the ceiling, fortunately on his feet but stumbling until Xigbar grabbed him and helped him regain his balance. For one second their eyes met and _"He's going to-"_

"I wanna hear everything."

* * *

_"Disappear? Just like that? Like… going to sleep and not waking up?"_

_ Nobodies couldn't possibly go to Hell or Heaven, that much he was sure of. _

_ "Well, will got us through one death already," Xigbar mused. "My guess is that it'll get us through another. We're not complete humans, not alive per se; maybe more like the heartless, actually. So we don't die like them – we just disappear. And I guess that if will got us through that and up to this, it'll keep our consciousness on when we die."_

_ Demyx frowned. "But what would that be like?"_

_ "Nothing. Just…black. Maybe we'll wander around in the darkness."_

_ "For how long?"_

_ "For always."_

_ He could clearly feel Demyx shift and sit up, turning around as he placed a hand in Xigbar's shoulder and leaned over it, trying to scrutinize the older Nobody's face._

_ "We can't be there always, right?" He asked hopefully. "We can't."_

_ "We can."_

_ "Alone?"_

* * *

"Huh?"

The Freeshooter let go, sitting back down on the ceiling and motioning Demyx to do the same. He couldn't help but look around in awe, like the first time, before sitting down in front of the older Nobody.

"'Bout our hearts, our emotions."

Demyx blinked, confused, trying to identify whether he was relieved or disappointed. "Um, well… you know what I think."

Xigbar seemed to think for a while, his head turned to one side, before he asked. "You think we can feel for things in specific?"

"Yeah!" Demyx smiled. "Of course we can! We can spend our free time doing different things because we have different likes, that's why we all get along with different people, it's not faked. We can still feel the same things as before, we could even-"

"Then what've the heartless taken from us?"

The Nocturne fell silent for a while.

"How could you be sure they took our hearts? I can't remember what happened before, at that time. I believe that we…"

Xigbar's one good eye turned to him, golden and glistening, seeking to meet aquamarine.

"I'm not sure what's happened to all of us, but… we do feel, I know that." He muttered, struggling to understand what the older man was thinking, shrugging off a nagging sense of danger from the back of his mind.

Silence. The feeling grew stronger.

"Dem," Xigbar called.

He looked up to find Xigbar closer now, kneeling in front of him, his golden eye ablaze, insistent, locked onto him with the strength of a purpose they both knew.

Demyx understood.

He closed his eyes.

And within one second, Xigbar was already leaning over him, his right hand ghosting over the youth's cheek and settling on the back of his head, once again entangled in his hair, holding him still as his breath tickled Demyx's lips. The blonde could feel Xigbar's gaze settling onto them as the hand on his hair gripped tighter, lips brushing together gently.

And as it begun to loosen its hold, breath hitching and mouth pulling back, Demyx brought his hands up to hold tightly onto Xigbar's shoulders.

"Don't go," he said, mind racing, irrational, half a command and half a plea, before pulling the other Nobody close and pressing their lips together. Slightly clumsy, and for a bit Xigbar had to wonder if the boy knew much of what he was doing.

For two whole seconds he let the feeling sink in.

And then, for the third time, Xigbar was gone.

Demyx's eyes shot open widely, mind barely stumbling across the note that his heart had picked up pace as it raced full of contradictions and thoughts of what he just did and how this just _couldn't be happening_-

-and then he was pushed back to the ground by a sudden weight on top of him. Xigbar had a wide grin, almost feral, as he held Demyx down by his shoulders and leaned closer, crushing Demyx's lips with his own and forcing his tongue in, rubbing it urgently against the Nocturne's, calloused hands skillfully trailing down his sides as he regained hold of the Freeshooter's shoulders and pulled him closer, returning the kiss with as much intensity until both pulled apart for breath.

"Xig?"

For a moment he could only stare at the boy underneath him. Eyes shining and bluer, greener than ever, cloak slightly out of place, cute expression and lips so very red and swollen as he brushed a finger along them.

Slower now in his pace, Xigbar leaned down again and nibbled softly on Demyx's earlobe, earning several shudders from him as he brushed his tongue along it, until he stopped to whisper into it, voice husky and hands on the boy's hips, pulling close.

"I quite like you, kid…"

A few seconds later, at the sound of a deep moan from Demyx as he bit on his neck and sucked at the skin, he decided he really did like him.

* * *

_"Alone?"_

_No hell, no heaven. But maybe the same place for all of them - he decided he would prefer that._

_ "No, Dem. Not alone."_

* * *

**Next chapter: ...oh I won't spoil you. xD Probably the final chapter, though.  
**

**No NC-17 scenes in this story. At least not full-blown. Maybe in the next multi-chapter one, haha.  
**


	5. A Vision I Believe

**As I thought, this is the last chapter. **

**Well, 'twas really fun to write this story, and I'll get working on my next one soon. It might be a short one too, but quite possibly better than this. **

**Thanks everyone who has reviewed this story! It's been more successful than I initially thought and I've met a few pretty nice people thanks to writing in this section, so s'all much appreciated.**

**Hey gothboymylove, it's been fun talking to you, hope you like this final chapter!**

* * *

**Unparadoxical**

Final Chapter: A Vision I Believe

* * *

Demyx awoke with a jolt, utterly lost, mind full of images of Xigbar's early departure the night before, and all the events before it. Neither enamoured nor acting on dumb fervour anymore, Xigbar had…

-images flooded into his consciousness, far more vivid as the feelings came back to him; dimness in their surroundings, still on the ceiling, eyes closed peacefully, cloaks zipped down and off their shoulders as lips were crushed together, teeth clashing from time to time, mouths open as tongues met, rubbing together, savouring each other with movements as frantic as they were lovely and-

He shook his head, a deep blush blooming red across his cheeks.

-and he'd never been more content.

In fact, he was quite willing to admit the change between yesterday's anxiousness and today's thoughts that he'd fall for the guy at this rate, if he hadn't already. The thought shocked him just a little.

He had to wonder if what they'd done or hadn't done had settled things.

"_You have to stop thinking in circles," _he corrected himself.

Whatever the purpose, he decided it would be pleasant to see his perhaps lover now, and quickly stood from his bed in search of his clothes. His black cloak lay discarded near his bed, right where Xigbar had dropped it. Noticing now that he'd slept with a pair of loose pants on, he headed for his closet and grabbed a new pair, picking a dark blue shirt as well and slipping everything on quickly. He couldn't quite remember if he'd taken his shirt off or allowed the older male to do so.

With that, he started down the blindingly white hallways, ready to walk for a while.

* * *

Rather satisfied with himself that morning, Xigbar stood still and waited to be noticed, but the blonde walking below – on the floor, quite a long way down – didn't seem very aware or interested in his surroundings, thus walking past him.

Xigbar took a few steps after Demyx, making sure his footsteps echoed in the long hallway until he finally noticed his presence. But before giving him any time to react, Xigbar teleported right in front of Demyx, upside-down as usual and in mid-air.

"Mornin', blondie."

He was pretty sure that was a new one.

"Hey Xiggy," IX replied cheerfully as II reached for the front of his cloak, gripping the cloth and bringing IX closer.

He was grinning. The same teasing grin he'd given the boy last night, before literally carrying him to his bed and taking his leave, not without a rather heated goodnight kiss to silence his complaints – not that Demyx minded any of that. And maybe he recognized that grin, judging by the blush on his cheeks that spread pretty pink and red.

He could lie and play dirty if he wanted to; he could be as tricky as he could be obnoxious and funny. But Jesus _fuck, _he didn't seem anything short of perfect as he put his hands on each of Xigbar's cheeks, an amusedly interested glint in his eyes as he leaned forward and kissed him, testing the position and finding it rather nice, judging by the way he lingered before pulling away.

First things first, II pulled the boy close again and managed to take a few licks at Demyx's now shy tongue between kisses, before letting go of his cloak and jumping off to the floor, offering him his hand. "C'mon."

Demyx gave him a questioning look before taking his hand, seeming more interested in that action, the contact and interlaced fingers, than whatever Xigbar was going to do.

But there had been a reason he picked this hallway to wait on, and he quickly led Demyx into that reason – called 'closet' –, closing the door swiftly behind them and turning to the blonde Nobody with a different grin, more devious and hungry now.

The Melodious Nocturne seemed a tad nervous, maybe overly aware of his current position between a wall and Xigbar's thin, even sort of lanky form.

"Anythin' wrong?" He asked, inching closer and picking where to start, aware of the way his breath ghosted over Demyx's neck, but not yet doing anything he could explain his nervousness with.

"Um, nope…" He answered, gently putting his hands on Xigbar's shoulders, gripping as he felt the sniper lower his head and take a tentative lick at his neck. "Xig? What are we doing here?"

He stopped, the ever-present gin still there. "Oh, right, had to tell ya we've got a meeting," he shrugged, returning to his task of testing out Demyx's buttons. "Wanted to apologize for leaving last night, too."

"Wait, wait," Demyx said hurriedly, failing to make Xigbar comply. "Does that mean we're…?"

"Fuck buddies?" He joked, greatly pleased with the musician's mildly offended, not-so-mildly embarrassed, pouty look (musicians were all romantics, some said, and he begun to believe it now).

In all honesty, he'd given him enough time to decide.

He took it that Demyx sincerely wanted, too. Wanted and liked and felt.

"A pair, a couple, lovers, me calling dibs on you, whatever…" He muttered against the younger Nobody's neck as he nibbled. "Yeah, we are."

He felt himself smile against the sweet pale skin, and somehow knew Demyx was smiling as well.

He _felt _it, like his heart was right there or he had grown another one all of a sudden.

* * *

He'd let the closet encounter end shortly after, deciding that a little show during breakfast seemed far more satisfying, and _woah damn_ was he right.

The meeting was short, with the only purpose of introducing the newest member to the organization, a man with platinum blonde hair and several piercings in his ears, named Luxord – no longer would IX be referred to as 'new guy'. No sooner had it ended and the Nobodies proceeded to breakfast, Xigbar begun his small but hardly ignorable advances.

His arm sneaked around Demyx's waist, and that's all the boy got to notice before being led into the dining room, ahead of the others, and somehow swept off his feet before feeling the ground under him again; or rather, the ceiling, thankfully not right above the table.

He was well aware of the glistening grin and protruding canine teeth in front of him as he glanced around; two heads slowly turned their way, and Demyx could see the new guy exchanging whispers with Axel, still in the doorway, as they shook hands for some reason – he didn't want to know what it all looked like, but he could pretty much imagine the suspiciousness of a flustered musician, caught in a sniper's space-bended-web.

"Xig!" He muttered harshly at said sniper, trying to frown, which proved difficult in his nervous state.

In response, Xigbar brought a gloved finger to his own lips, motioning Demyx to keep his voice down before turning his head and repeating the motion to the two pairs of watching eyes below.

IX could only hope the ceiling here was tall enough for _anything _to go unnoticed as the Freeshooter's hand now placed itself below his chin, tilting it up – red and scarlet and crimson all on IX's cheeks, on the lip he was chewing on while he felt the other's free hand on his hip, pulling forward and against Xigbar's own.

"I'm no good with secrets," said the gunman.

He considered it should be _illegal _to rub one's unmentionables against someone else's like _that_.

"So going out with a bang it is," The golden-eyed, grinning Nobody continued, somehow speaking somewhere against Demyx's neck or ear now. "And by that, I do mean bangin', kid."

"Wha-?!"

Demyx was completely still – except, of course, by his arms suspiciously around Xigbar's neck at the moment, and his hips starting to respond ever so slightly to Xigbar's movements.

"Your room, later."

Only three words before hips collided and a skilled, slick tongue toyed with the Nocturne's ear, teeth grazing the skin. His vision was invaded by little popping white spots and his eyes shut tight; only a small, whimper-like sound escaped his lips as his hips matched his lover's in pace and movement - and that seemed to be enough, although muffled quickly by a surprisingly slow and gentle kiss. He wasn't sure of whether his blood was all rushing to his cheeks, or a different area, quite a way south in his body.

A startled sound made Demyx pull away quickly, to be met with the image of seven pairs of staring eyes – some wide, some not – and Vexen chocking on some orange juice.

"Xig, they-!"

"Let 'em watch, Dem."

Somebody wolf-whistled.

For the moment, Xigbar seemed unaffected enough by the publicity of his acts and settled for kissing Demyx's neck instead – the musician himself was rather busy panicking and shaking his head.

"Fine, fine," Xigbar gave in, stopping to click his fingers. And then, suddenly, the Freeshooter was at his usual spot at the table, and so was the Nocturne.

That is, he was in Xigbar's spot as well, comfortably positioned in the scarred male's lap.

Demyx immediately scrambled away to his own chair, earning a chuckle from Xigbar and sitting in time to see Axel giving a handful of munny to Luxord with a beaten expression.

Silence had fallen upon the room thickly.

After the few seconds that allowed Demyx's heart rate to go back to near normal, Larxene shook her head with a smirk and begun digging on her breakfast.

"The old man scored himself an underage one, hm?" She commented, a slight sting to the edges of her voice.

"As if. He's nineteen."

"Ninety-one on nineteen, I see."

"Think 'bout half. Better than the nine hundred you're tryin' to disguise, witch."

That grin was different. He could tell by the way Xigbar's hand grabbed his under the table.

* * *

The night came early, loud and too heated in Demyx's room, free of the secret that never was and covered in clothes thrown aside.

A single golden eye, a grin that implied danger, a pair of trigger-calloused hands; all set and fixated on the responsive figure underneath the carved body of a type of predator that never was, practicing the art of drawing things out, savouring in the right ways and switching around completely to the ways of impulse – never the less, the one at the receiving end of such art set its rhythms and manipulated then into an art of his own, mute music and sweat and orgasm.

Shamelessly it mixed with the sounds in the room, sounds that only a virgin – losing its title of such – could produce, and leaked into the hallway outside. Space made an intentionally induced trick on the door, letting the smells and sounds and only not the sights flow freely outside.

It was not the first time this kind of event occurred within the castle's walls, and it wouldn't be the first time for rumor to be carelessly spread about in the morning for uninterested ears. And still, the outright public aspect of this one, the thumps, mutters, sounds that mouths only produced in very specific situations, and amount of ignored wrongs kept the other Nobodies _feeling_ like avoiding the area, for the sake of sanity that never was.

The room resonated with the sounds of an upbeat tune, the sounds of heaven pulled down and angels violated, plus the background rhythm of a barely mouthed 'I love you' and fucking each other _senseless_. Sure felt like it, too.

* * *

**(Look out for my next XigDem stories, "On Purity" and "And Then The Demons Vanished". If you'd like to know about them, just ask.)**

**Please do drop me a review, and see you guys around soon!**

**(PS: I'm open for FIC EXCHANGES AND REQUESTS. Exchanges are a lot more fun so I'd rather do that. If you're interested in hearing about this, tell me so in your review and I'll PM you. I take almost any pairing, any rating, any prompt, and will abide by whatever terms you're more comfortable with. )**


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